Love in Six Words
by EusYram
Summary: Take two guys, one of whom is possibly in love with the other. Strand them alone on an uninhabited planet. Watch hilarity unfold as they just CAN'T. SEEM. TO WORK. TOGETHER. Mostly McBeck banter. Rodney-centric. Warning for chapter five due to sexytimes. :P
1. UNOBTAINABLE

_Unobtainable_

It was awkward. Ever since the Cadman incident and _the kiss, _things for Drs. Rodney McKay and Carson Beckett had gotten _very_ awkward indeed. Over the past two weeks, they had barely talked at all, that is, outside of Rodney's regular visits to the infirmary, but even those Rodney had tried to keep to a minimum. But were they, say, to run into each other in the hall, Carson would immediately look flustered, mutter something about a medical examination he needed to attend to, and then vanish from Rodney's sight before the astrophysicist could even _attempt _to do the same.

At first, Rodney had to admit, this kind of behavior from Carson was a blessing. Since it was Carson doing the running, and not the other way around, Rodney was not only spared the trouble and humiliation of coming up with an excuse and running himself, but he was also ultimately able to come out as the better, less immature party. He quite enjoyed being the superior human being yet again, but he had to admit, he _did _miss being able to talk to Carson. Carson was his friend, maybe his _only _friend, and even though Rodney would never admit it to anyone, not even to himself, he was lonelier than usual without him.

So, after two weeks, Rodney had had quite enough. He decided to feign having a migraine in order to have an excuse to go down to the infirmary and see Carson, where he would confront him. His reasoning behind the decision? It was yet another opportunity for him to come out as the better man, one willing to be responsible and mature enough to actually _talk about _this whole mess they were in. Truthfully, though, he knew Carson had plenty of other friends to keep him company, which meant he could keep up his current behaviour indefinitely, and if there was one thing Rodney McKay disliked more than the countless other things he disliked, it was those things which were undefined.

He decided to sacrifice his lunch break for the trip to the infirmary, which for him was quite the sacrifice indeed. As he walked in, a nurse acting doubly as a receptionist asked him the nature of his ailment.

"Yeah, tell Beckett it's just a migraine, but that a full-body scan is probably in order," Rodney said in a tone like he would have done all of this himself if he were allowed. "You know, knowing me," he added with a faint but smug smile.

The receptionist nurse responded with a blank stare. She did not know Dr. McKay, and something told her she was better off for it. At length, she spoke.

"Dr. Beckett is off clinical duty today, but I can tell you with much certainty what he would have done if he _were_ here - given you some painkillers and sent you on your way. However, simply because of _how damned slow _it's been here today, I might as well go ahead and examine you, just to be safe."

Realizing his presence here had just become a huge waste of his lunchtime, Rodney was just about ready to protest, but the nurse had already gotten up and was reaching for a blood pressure meter, and Rodney found himself, as always happened when he was in the company of a medical professional, unable to defy her authority. So she took his blood pressure and his temperature, determining both to be a little higher than average for a man of his age and weight (though for Rodney they were perfectly normal), gave him a small pillbox of painkillers (which he decided to stash for later), and said he was fine to return to work.

Seeing as he was already running late, Rodney did this pretty much immediately. Getting back to his lab, he felt hungry and cranky - more than usual, that is - and the other scientists and engineers working under his supervision knew they would have to suffer because of it. Radek Zelenka was there as well, as the project currently being tackled had both his and Rodney's departments working together.

Rodney had made up his mind to complete the workload he had assigned for himself today in half the time so he could finish _before _midnight and perhaps be able to catch Carson in his quarters after dinner. Thus, he was not only starving, disappointed, and grumpy, but also rushed, overworked, and feeling very claustrophobic from the amount of people currently crowding his lab. Also, they were _people, _and people in general he did not much like. Soon enough, even that imaginary migraine of his bore its way through his head and into existence, and for a moment he was actually grateful he made the trip to the infirmary and now had the painkillers on him. Nevertheless, as the afternoon wore on, he became so utterly obnoxious and impossible to work with that Radek actually had to go and get him a muffin and a coffee from the cafeteria. Rodney inhaled these in about ten seconds and spent the rest of his shift sulking, albeit quietly.

He finished at around nine o'clock, and was the last to leave his lab, as always. He knew Carson would have had dinner hours ago, and could only hope he had not decided to call it a night yet. He decided to forego his own dinner (oh, what a painful decision that was!) in order to make sure he got a chance to talk to Carson that evening.

He stomped down the hallway, grumbling something about the coffee Radek had given him being decaffeinated, until he reached the nearest transporter. Once inside, he poked the area of the city map where the transporter closest to the living quarters was located, and was whooshed away instantaneously. Less than two seconds later, he was stomping out of the transporter and heading in the direction of Carson's room. As he turned right, then left, and then left again, he could not help but linger on how remarkably well he knew the way. Then he thought of Carson, and how he really _did _miss him, but he quickly shook those thoughts and reminded himself of the _true _reason he was here - to prove to Carson he was the better man.

Very suddenly, it seemed, he was standing right outside Carson's door. He waved his hand in front of the motion sensor, and heard the doorbell-like sound go off on the other side of the wall. Next he heard muffled footsteps approach the door, and then it finally slid open to reveal the form of Dr. Carson Beckett.

"Hi…!" Rodney said with a little wave while trying to look as friendly as he humanly could. Considering his foul mood, he actually did a rather good job at it.

But Carson reacted as he had been doing for the past fortnight. "I'm a little busy, Rodney," he muttered quickly, trying to avoid eye contact. "Lots of research to be done. Can't talk right now."

Rodney's smile faded from his lips and within a split second it was a scowl. As was often with him, his mood plummeted suddenly, and nothing was holding back his agitation now. "Oh, _drop it, _Carson! Just tell me what it is I did already! Is this because Cadman made me kiss you? Because, trust me - I had absolutely _no_ say in that!"

Carson sighed, and his expression turned rather cold. "I suppose I should've made myself clearer: I can't talk to _you _about this."

Rodney opened his mouth to speak, about to make a quick and witty rebuttal, but then the implication of what Carson had said actually sunk in, and nothing came out but a deflated, "Oh."

Carson's expression softened and he looked almost apologetic. "Don't take it like _that. _This is just something… private."

"Yeah, but I'm sorta, like… your friend, I think," Rodney said indignantly, feeling as though Carson simply did not deem him capable of understanding the emotional side of things, and this unsurprisingly being a massive blow to his ego.

"Aye, you are," Carson said reassuringly.

"And aren't _friends _supposed to be able to talk about _anything?_" Rodney challenged.

"Aye, but this is about _relationships, _Rodney,and I know for a fact you're the _last _person who'd wanna talk about something like that."

"Then _clearly_ you don't know me well enough!" Rodney replied smugly, though on the inside he was wincing.

Carson sighed and shook his head, though Rodney could have sworn he saw a hint of amusement on his face. "I still can't tell you."

"Yes, you can."

"No, Rodney."

"_Yes, _Carson."

"_No._"

"Okay, you give me _one _good reason why you can't tell me, and then I'll leave and never ask about this again," Rodney said finally, quite sure he had expertly argued Carson into a corner.

Carson, however, looked at Rodney sternly and Rodney felt a creeping doubt begin to form in his underdeveloped little heart. He could see in the Scot's translucent eyes that the reason _was _there, and could tell by his contemplative facial expression that he was merely unsure whether to give it or not. Rodney suddenly grew afraid that he would.

"I can'ttell you, because…" Carson began, and Rodney found himself holding his breath, "… because… because you are sodding _right_, okay?"

For several moments there was a silence, during which Carson looked awkward and Rodney looked thoroughly confused. The self-proclaimed genius thought back to all the moments throughout this conversation in which he had been right - which were very few, mind - and remembered one in particular, a possibility from the very beginning, one which Carson neither confirmed nor denied.

"_The kiss?_" Rodney asked incredulously. "_Oh, _so thishas to do with _Cadman!_"

Carson looked at Rodney just as incredulously, both relieved and yet completely astounded by the latter's deduction. "Aye, I suppose," he replied.

"I knew it!" Rodney exclaimed triumphantly, and proceeded to shove past Carson and enter his quarters. He headed straight for the kitchen. "Now let's talk about this like a friend trying to help out another friend. I'm sure I have _plenty_ of advice I can offer you!"

Carson rolled his eyes. "I seriously doubt that…." he grumbled under his breath, then followed Rodney inside.

Rodney was engrossed by the contents of Carson's fridge, but soon enough he emerged from the kitchen with an apple in his mouth and a packaged sandwich in his hands. He placed the sandwich on top of Carson's dining table and sat down. Taking the apple out of his mouth, he smiled at Carson expectantly. "Well, sit!" he said, patting the back of the chair beside him.

Carson sighed and sat down in a chair perpendicular to Rodney's. Slouching back in his seat, he raised his eyebrows at the astrophysicist.

Rodney started off by taking a hearty bite out of his apple. After a couple of chews, however, he withdrew it by nearly arm's length and fixed it with a suspicious glare. "This hasn't been around any _lemons… _has it?" he asked, turning to Carson with a distrustful look on his face.

"No, Rodney," Carson replied, unable to keep himself from smiling just a little bit.

"Well, good!" was Rodney's response as he took another bite out of the apple. "Now, let's get to business!"

"Aye," Carson replied, sounding about as excited as a ten-year-old at the dentist.

"So what's so bad about Cadman?" Rodney asked happily. He looked at Carson shrewdly and grinned. "You not getting any?"

"Och! What gave you _that _idea?"

"Well, either that, or she keeps throwing herself at you so much that you simply can't keep up… you know, sexually."

Carson's facial expression turned to a combination of disgust and confusion. "Try neither," he suggested.

Rodney took a third bite out of his apple, chewed thoughtfully, then, finally, "You lost me," he said with an innocent smile.

Carson sighed louder than he had done all night and slouched forward over the table. "Laura and I broke up_, _Rodney."

Rodney's smile faded from his face. "Wh-what?" he stuttered. "Why?"

"I should've seen from the very beginning that we weren't right for each other. Things just got… awkward."

"Wh-why?" Rodney repeated like a broken record.

"Well, truth be told…" Carson began carefully, as if this were very unstable ground he was treading on, "… I _might_ have my sights set on someone else."

Within a moment, Rodney's smile had returned to his face, but it was a slightly accusing one. "Carson, you _dog!_ Romancing two ladies at once? I honestly must say I didn't see _that _one coming! So tell me -"

"So how are things going with you and Katie?"

Rodney was thrown so far off track by the sudden change in subject that for a moment he was completely lost. "Who?"

"Dr. Brown…? The botanist you went on a date with two weeks ago…?"

"Oh, _her… _what about her?"

"Are you two dating?"

"Actually, I haven't talked to her since."

"Really now? Why's that?"

"I just don't think saying, 'Hey, remember me? I'm the guy who was forcefully made to kiss you the other week!' is a proper way of rekindling a relationship with a woman. Hey, wait a second. Why the interest in Brown all of a sudden? Please tell me _she's _not the object of your affections!"

"No, no, Rodney! Trust me. You've got nothing to worry about."

"Then who is she?"

"Now, _that _I definitelycan't tell you."

"Oh, but not if I can guess it myself!"

"Aye, but you never will."

"But if I do, you _will_ tell me, right?"

"Aye… but you _never will._"

"Oh, please! I am easily the smartest person in this city and you know it. No offense."

"None taken…." Carson grumbled through gritted teeth. "I just want you to try, fail, and then let me get to sleep already!"

"Sounds good to me! Other than the failing part, of course, because Rodney McKay knows nothing of failure!"

"… Just the other day you burned your fingers by sticking them inside a pot of coffee…."

"Well, I couldn't damn tell if the coffee was still warm from the _outside, _now, could I!"

"You could've -"

"_Now that we're back on topic, _for my first guess I'd like to nominate…" (for this Rodney did an excited little drum roll on the table with his index fingers) "… Elizabeth!"

"Really? Why her?" Carson asked perplexedly.

"Well, she's the boss, and you seem like the kind of guy who'd prefer having the woman be in control of the relationship, so it's a perfect match!"

"Okay, first of all, Elizabeth being the boss would make any kind of relationship highly inappropriate for both of us. Second of all, I prefer both parties having _equal _control of the relationship. Third of all, I have never looked at her nor even _considered _her that way. And, finally… _no._"

"Oh. Well, not to worry! I have plenty of other possibilities in mind! Take, for example, Teyla. She's beautiful _and _she can hold her own in hand-to-hand combat better than anyone else on this base. Oh, and she's probably lonely because she barely gets to see her people as they're all on the mainland nowadays. What's not to like?"

"Rodney… you can't feel attracted to somebody based on how lonely he or she is."

"… You can't?"

"_No, _Rodney.Teyla is a very sweet girl who is wise far beyond her years, but I'm afraid she's just not my type."

"Not your type? Hey, was that a clue? That was a clue, wasn't it? Aha! So you're not too much into the action type, are you? More into the intellectual chicks, I see?"

One of Carson's eyebrows was slowly creeping up his forehead as he stared at Rodney. "I suppose that's one way to put it."

"Samantha Carter," Rodney blurted out suddenly.

"What? I barely know her! How does that even make sense?"

"Sorry, sorry, you're right! I shouldn't be letting my personal preferences get in the way of the greater truth. Let me think now."

While Rodney thought, he finished off his apple, threw the core into Carson's kitchen garbage, returned to the table, and started working on his sandwich. Meanwhile, Carson, who already had his arms lying on top of the table, now put his head down onto his arms and sat there quietly trying not to fall asleep.

"I've got it!" Rodney cried out suddenly, causing Carson to sit up in surprise. He stared at Rodney, looking a bit anxious. "Dr. Heightmeyer," Rodney announced. "You're both doctors of the people kind, so it makes perfect sense!"

"It's true I _do _respect Kate and her work very much…" Carson began, "… but I've heard tell she's already got her sights set on Major Lorne, actually."

"Does she? Then she'll find herself sorely disappointed, I'm afraid."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, ahem, _I've _heard tell that the Major, um, how do I put this? _Bats for the other team,_ I'll say. Just don't tell anyone I've just told you this. You know the U.S. military and their policy on that kind of stuff…."

"Aye…."

"Okay, if not Heightmeyer, then… hmm… hmmmm… hmmmmmmmmmm -"

"Och, _seriously?_"

"Well, 'intellectual chick' doesn't really tell me much, does it? We're part of a _science expedition, _Carson. Nearly half the people on this base are intellectual chicks! Now gimme another clue."

"Okay. Sure."

"What, really?"

"I don't see why not," Carson said with a sigh. "You'll never figure it out anyway. What do you want to know?"

"What ethnicity is she? Black? White? Asian? South something?"

"White. _Definitely _white," Carson replied, laughing to himself all of a sudden.

Rodney did not seem to notice. He was deep in thought once again.

"Oh!" he cried out suddenly, snapping his fingers. "It's that nurse who was working today! What's her name…?"

"Nurse Chapel? No. Try again."

"Damn. What colour's her hair? She a blonde? Redhead? Brunette?"

"Brunette."

"Then it's gotta be Dr. What's Her Face! She works with Zelenka and, by extension, me from time to time. She's got a very perky… um… _smile._"

"I've no idea who you're talking about."

"Oh. Alright. What colour are her eyes?"

Carson was looking into Rodney's face for what seemed like the first time that night, but Rodney was just finishing up his sandwich and hardly noticed. "Dark grey," Carson replied at length, "like the stormy sea."

"Mmmkay," Rodney mumbled through his last mouthful. "Let me think…."

This question-and-incorrect-answer period continued for the next half-hour in quite the same way. Rodney would take a wild guess, be completely off, ask Carson for a hint (his requests becoming more and more inappropriate in nature), take another wild guess, and be completely off again. By the end of it, Carson was sitting with his head down on top of his arms once more, his eyes closed shut, mumbling in response to Rodney's unending line of questions.

Finally, "Carson," came Rodney's voice, sounding distant.

Carson painfully pried open his eyes to glance at the blurry shape of Rodney sitting across the table corner from him. "Aye…?" he croaked.

"I know who it is…!" Rodney said in a singsong voice, grinning wickedly.

"You… you… do?" Carson asked, sitting up immediately and sounding worried.

"_Aye,_" Rodney replied in a teasing tone.

"Well," Carson said, visibly worried now, "who is it?"

Rodney took a deep breath, looking triumphant, and said, "There is an Athosian girl whom I watched weed her garden on the mainland the other day. I didn't get her name, and, to be honest, she wasn't much to look at from the _front, _but, _damn, _every time she bent down -"

"Are you _serious?_" Carson cried out in disbelief, his expression of pure disgust now.

"Well, you said she has a nice _ass, _so -"

"Rodney, _just give it up! _We've been at this for _over an hour _now, and you haven't even come close!"

"Well, it's not _my _fault all your clues are misleading!"

"'_Misleading?_'Maybe if you asked the right_ questions!_"

"I asked every question I could think of!"

"But you left out _the most basic one!_"

"_How basic can you get? _I thought it safe to assume she was living rather than dead, organic rather than computerized, and human rather than alien!"

"That's exactly your problem! 'She, she, she!' You never bothered to ask if she even _were _a she!"

The silence which followed seemed almost unreal in contrast to the shouting match which had just taken place. Carson suddenly became very interested in his hands and Rodney just sat there with a stupefied expression on his face.

"_Oh,_" Rodney finally managed.

"Aye…." Carson replied quietly.

"So you are…?"

"Aye."

"But I thought you were…!"

"No, Rodney."

"So you like…?"

"_Aye, _Rodney."

"But I though you liked -"

"_Well, I can bloody well like __**both**__, can't I?_"

There was another silence on Rodney's end, this one more uncomfortable than the last. Thankfully, or maybe not so much, Rodney finally spoke.

"I've just one question, Carson," he said.

Carson looked up at him miserably. "Aye?"

"Why the _hell _haven't you told me 'til now?" Rodney demanded, grinning madly.

Carson eyed him suspiciously. "And why would I do that?"

"Because you're my friend and friends are supposed to tell each other -"

"- everything. Right. I suppose the subject just never came up then."

"Oh, but now it has, and I'm about to guess the identity of your secret little crush!"

Carson laughed uneasily. "Are you now?"

"Yes, I am! It's Sheppard. Gotta be him. Everybody loves Sheppard!"

"Rodney… you're forgetting the _very first _clue I gave you."

"Oh, right! He's a nerd. How about that new guy - Ronon?"

"Ronon… doesn't really come off as the educated type."

"Really? Well, what do I know? First time I met him, I was hanging upside-down from a tree, and he wasn't exactly the chatty type," Rodney replied defensively, then scratched his head and fell silent. Just as Carson was about ready to put his head down again, Rodney threw up an index finger and stared at the doctor. "No… it can't be…." he whispered.

"What?" Carson asked quickly, his blue eyes widening.

"The science profession, the brown hair and grey eyes - it all fits!"

"Fits whom?" Carson asked cautiously.

"My God," Rodney continued, "I can't believe it! Carson, you're in love with _Zelenka?_"

"_Radek? _Goodness, no!"

Rodney gave out a great sigh of relief. "You nearly gave me a heart attack for a moment there!" he said. "Seriously, if it were Zelenka, I just might have stopped being friends with you," then, noticing Carson's shocked expression, he quickly clarified, "I joke, of course," but, leaning in closer and in a lower voice, "_You have been warned,_" he added.

"Just keep guessing, Rodney," Carson replied, shaking his head.

And so Rodney did… for the next forty-five minutes. By the end of it, Carson was fast asleep with his head on his arms atop the table.

"Carson," Rodney said, coming out of his latest five-minute-long thought session and realizing the doctor had fallen asleep. "_CARSON!_" he borderline shouted.

Carson woke with a start. Sitting up, he blinked his eyes open. "Wha-what?" he stammered.

"I know who it is," Rodney replied. Carson sighed and looked at him doubtfully. "I really mean it!" Rodney cried out in self-defense. "This isn't like last time!"

Carson looked a little more serious as, "Well?" he said.

"It is…" Rodney said, doing a drum roll on the table again and then raising his index fingers in the air before him satisfactorily, "… the botanical technician with the star-shaped tattoo in charge of watering the plants around the living quarters of the senior officers on Tuesdays and Fridays!"

It took a good ten seconds for Rodney's description to make even the slightest amount of sense in Carson's semi-sleeping brain. Even then, all he could manage was a barely coherent, "_What…?_"

"Was I… close?" Rodney asked hopefully, but already his face was falling.

"Close? CLOSE? _NO, YOU'RE NOT BLOODY CLOSE!_" Carson yelled suddenly. "You _did, _however, just waste _nearly two hours _of my time, depriving me of precious sleep when I have a major surgery to conduct first thing tomorrow morning!"

Rodney found himself extremely disappointed that nearly two hours of _his _precious time and effort had apparently gone completely underappreciated. He, too, became angry, and the anger spilled out of him as he cried in his usual high-pitched manner, "Well, maybe if you had just _told _me who it was in the first place, I would've been _long gone _by now! Just _tell me, _Carson, and I'll leave you _right now!_"

"_No!_"

"Why _not?_"

"Because you're right_ again, _Rodney! If I would've told you, you would've been gone; if I tell you right now, you'll leave and I'll never see you again!"

"What the hell are you even talking about? Just tell me already!"

"No!"

"You can't even give me a reason why, Carson! _WHY CAN'T YOU TELL -_"

"_BECAUSE IT'S BLOODY YOU, RODNEY._"

The silence which followed would have been welcomed by Carson at any previous point in time that night, but not now. Rodney just sat there, staring him straight in the face, but it was as though he did not see him. His expression was blank, except for the wide-open eyes, and Carson had no chance of deciphering what was happening inside that crazy, convoluted brain of his. At length, Rodney stood. Carson stood up from his seat as well, pushing his chair back in panic with a force nearly enough to knock it over onto the floor. Finally, Rodney turned his gaze away from Carson and directed it towards the door instead. He took a step in its direction, but Carson sprang into his way.

"Oi, and where are you going?" he asked, his voice shaking.

"Let me pass, Carson," Rodney replied, gingerly pushing him out of the way while simultaneously trying to come into as little contact with him as possible. "Oh, and just… stay away, please." With that, Rodney stepped past Carson and left his quarters through the automatic sliding door, and Carson was left, finally, alone.

After a moment, Carson pushed the previously occupied chairs up towards the table, threw away Rodney's empty sandwich container, and crawled into bed. His brain buzzed loudly and his face burned, and sleep was soon out of the question.


	2. UNBELIEVABLE

_Unbelievable_

Had relations been awkward _before _Carson's confession, they had become completely _unbearable_ now. Not only that, but it was suddenly Rodney who was doing the running, not Carson. For the first several days, Carson actually tried to make the effort to _talk_ to Rodney, but Rodney would turn on his heel and scurry away in a panic upon the very first sight of him. Rodney even went as far as to completely forgo his visits to the infirmary out of fear of running into Carson. Eventually, though, even Carson's patience wore thin, so the next time they inevitably ran into each other, both of them turned around immediately and walked in the opposite direction. This continued for another week or so, until Rodney had fallen into an inevitable depression.

Of course, Rodney consciously denied his condition with a vehement persistence, but nevertheless his subconscious mind was constantly presenting him with ideas of reconciliation with Carson, ideas he could not simply shake. In time, one such idea he allowed to settle in his mind, an idea disguised as an opportunity to one-up Carson yet again. If he was the superior human being when he went to confront Carson the first time, he could only imagine how much more superior he would be if he went to confront him _now. _There was also the fact that Carson professed an attraction, possibly even love, to him, _Rodney, _with all of his vices and shortcomings, and Rodney simply could not pass up the opportunity to rub this development into Carson's face.His mind was set. Tonight, he would go to Carson's quarters and speak to him… once again.

Rodney left work late and in a foul mood, as always. Barely conscious of where he was going, barely _needing _to be, he made his way down the hall and into the transporter. Three seconds later, he was shuffling through the living quarters of the city. After another minute or so, he was standing outside Carson's door. Going for the unexpected, he knocked instead of ringing.

With baited breath, Rodney listened for any sound of Carson's presence inside the room, and soon gave a sigh of relief as he heard approaching footsteps. The door slid open, accompanied by a series of beeps, and Carson met Rodney with a tired gaze. As it registered in Carson's mind who it was he was looking at, he reacted immediately. His eyes widened and he frantically waved his hand in front of the motion censor in an attempt to shut the door. But Rodney was faster, stepping forward, preventing the door from closing completely, and allowing himself to push his way into Carson's quarters.

"What the bloody hell do you want?" Carson said coldly, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Gee, nice to see you, too, Carson," Rodney replied with a sigh. "I just came to talk. That's all."

"And what gives you the idea I have any desire to talk to _you?_" Carson snapped.

Rodney looked at his friend with a frown. It seemed Carson was more angry with him than he could have ever predicted.

"I know you don't _want _to, Carson," Rodney began, "but don't you think we _have _to? Please… can we sit?"

Carson looked at Rodney like he would have very much liked to sock him one in the jaw, but he recognized that the self-proclaimed genius _did_ have reason. "Fine," he replied through gritted teeth.

Rodney gave him a thankful nod, then walked over to the small sofa found in Carson's living room. Carson followed unenthusiastically. They sat down, facing each other, and yet keeping as much space between each other as possible.

"Well?" Carson demanded after a moment of silence.

Rodney took a deep breath before starting off, as he was not normally in the business of being so considerate. "I would like to start off by apologizing for my behaviour immediately after you… told me. It was silly and immature."

"That it was," Carson agreed tersely.

"Also, I would like to say that I am _flattered, _really, by your unveiled _adoration _of me. I can't blame you, of course, so I _don't _blame you."

Carson rolled his eyes, but decided to remain silent and take Rodney's narcissism in stride.

Rodney, noticing the eye roll, decided to clarify. "I really mean it when I say I'm touched, Carson. Nobody's come forward to me with a profession like that since, well… ever."

"Och, are you serious?" Carson asked, his expression suddenly turning incredulous.

"Unfortunately… yes."

"Well, you're a poor bastard then, aren't you?" Carson remarked spitefully, but with a faint hint of sympathy in his tone.

"That's not to say I don't get any!" Rodney exclaimed defensively.

"No, of course not," Carson replied, his tone becoming sarcastic.

"Oh, ha ha," Rodney said, glaring. "As if _you're_ one to talk."

"You know, the door _is _right there," Carson said with a wave of his hand and with a motion as if he were about to see Rodney out in the most painful way possible.

"I take that back!" Rodney cried out, throwing his hands up. "I mean, we both know _you're_ the better choice between us…."

Carson settled back down on the sofa, his expression softening. "Go on," he said with a smirk.

"I mean, you're a _medical doctor, _for crying out loud! You _care _about people and people care about you! You're kind, and you're gentle, and God knows you have more patience than a tranquilized cucumber. Not to mention, you're… you're… even _better-looking _than me!"

"That was hard, wasn't it?" Carson asked, an amused little smile curving his lips.

"Oh, you have no idea," Rodney spluttered, feeling the blood rush to his face.

"So have you said everything you've come to say?" Carson inquired with a yawn.

After a derisive look at Carson's apparent lack of interest, "No, there is one more thing," Rodney said. "I just want to say, I don't think there's anything _wrong… _with liking whoever you like. I mean, love is love, right?"

"I'm afraid so, aye," Carson replied, sounding as though this was something he had to resign himself to.

"I'm not here to judge," Rodney continued, "and how could I, what with my complete misunderstanding and horrible luck when it comes to women? I'll be the first to admit the thought had crossed my mind before more than once."

Carson's eyes lit up immediately and he leaned forward, unquestionably interested.

"Hey, whoa!" Rodney exclaimed, noticing Carson's advance. "I said the thought only crossed my mind in passing, that's all! As in a fleeting emotion in the back of my head! Nothing substantial, only a doubt! Just don't take it as a sign -"

"Oh, just shut it, won't you?" Carson said furiously. With a lightning-fast motion, he grabbed Rodney's face and engulfed his lips with his own. Rodney froze up entirely, dumbstruck, most likely due to Carson's being a doctor and thus having that inexplicable authority over him… or so Rodney told himself. Sensing no resistance from the scientist, Carson continued to kiss his mouth, caressing Rodney's lips and gently letting his tongue frequent what lay beyond. Rodney allowed himself to relax somewhat, because the kiss felt _good, _and Carson definitely knew what he was doing. He closed his eyes, completely helpless, and soon was gone.

As Carson pulled away, Rodney found himself blindly searching for his lips. Once his search proved futile, he opened his eyes, only halfway, and focused his sight on Carson's gently smiling face. His eyes snapped open and he jumped off the sofa. Carson jumped up, too, shocked. Carson looked like he would have very much liked to say something, but Rodney never let him. Instead, Rodney literally ran out the door.


	3. UNDESIRABLE

_Undesirable_

Rodney had been spending an awful lot of time cooped up in his quarters under the pretense of "not feeling well." Upon the request of John Sheppard and Elizabeth Weir, and being _extremely _careful to do so on a day which Carson had designated exclusively for research, Rodney consulted with a doctor, who, unsurprisingly, discovered nothing wrong with him. Nevertheless, though he was not actually _sick, _telling everyone he "wasn't feeling well" proved to be an effective excuse for remaining far from public eyes, _his_ eyes,whenever he was not in his lab or on a mission. Unfortunately, he could not keep this up for long.

The day that changed everything came when Elizabeth called a senior staff meeting of seemingly great importance in the conference room. Rodney, who had been lying miserably on the bed in his quarters when he got Elizabeth's radio transmission, groaned loudly as soon as his conversation with Elizabeth was over. He did attempt, as persuasively as he could, to question the need for his immediate presence at the meeting, but Elizabeth's rebuttal left little to be argued: Rodney represented all of Atlantis's science departments, and the subject of this particular meeting was a possible discovery of utmost scientific, and medical, significance.

Medical. Rodney cringed. If there was one word which would have confirmed Carson's presence at the meeting, Elizabeth had just spoken it. Rodney momentarily considered hijacking a Puddlejumper and fleeing to the mainland for a couple of hours, but decided against it as he realized that would only raise more questions rather than resolve anything. So he sat up heavily, rubbed his eyes awake, and stretched his problematic back. Upon hearing the crack he was waiting for, he finally rolled out of bed and threw on his uniform. Taking a deep, spirit-lifting breath, which quickly turned into yet another groan, he set forth across the city.

He was the last to arrive at the meeting. Usually, he absolutely _adored _being late, because while it drew that extra little bit of attention to him, it was at the same time perfectly subtle. This time, however, was entirely different. As he walked in and realized that all eyes, especially _his _eyes,were on him, he wished nothing more than to suddenly become as insignificant and inconspicuous as possible. Yes, _Rodney McKay _wished he were unimportant.

"Nice of you to finally join us, Rodney," Elizabeth's teasingly accusing voice rang out across the room.

"Sorry," Rodney replied as nonchalantly as he possibly could, and took a seat between Teyla and Ronon.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you are," John growled. "Anyways, what's all the hubbub about?" He leaned forward in his seat curiously and fixed Elizabeth with an imploring stare.

"This morning," Elizabeth began, "while working on translating sections of the Ancient database, I stumbled upon something curious. It seems that, for a number of decades, the Ancients had access to a medicinal substance with unparalleled restorative properties. Because the Ancients themselves already possessed natural healing abilities, once they had exhausted the source of this substance, they chose not to study it further. In fact… everything I just told you pretty much sums up the database's entire entry on the subject."

"Well, how's that supposed to help us?" Rodney said snappily. "I mean, this substance could be _anything. _They didn't even give us a name!"

"No, Rodney, _but… _they gave us a planet. M23-842."

"That one _is_ in the planetary database…." Rodney said thoughtfully. "Just the name, though-not even a footnote to go along with it. It's got a Stargate."

"Hey, aren't we overlooking something here?" Carson spoke up suddenly, as if coming out of a trance. "Maybe the reason the Ancients stopped their research, the reason this planet has no description, is because it's _dangerous? _Maybe looking into this is a huge mistake."

"You're turning down the possibility of discovering an omnipotent medicine of some kind, Carson?" John asked incredulously. "Doesn't sound like you at all, doc. In any case, we'll check it out." Carson and Rodney began to express their protest loudly, so John had to reiterate. "I'll see you _all _in the 'jumper bay in exactly one hour, ready to go. Elizabeth, what say you we go send the MALP through the 'gate first, just to be sure?"

"That'll probably be wise, considering the circumstances," Elizabeth replied. She and John got out of their seats, and Teyla and Ronon followed suit. Rodney and Carson did the same, the two of them looking most unenthusiastic.

"See you in an hour," Ronon told John, his voice like a low rumble.

"Ronon and I were actually planning to grab a quick lunch," Teyla added. "Dr. Beckett, Dr. McKay, would you like to join us?"

Hearing their names used in the same sentence caused the doctors to automatically freeze on the spot. They caught each other's eye momentarily, after which they frantically began to search for anything _else _to look at. Finally, they were able to focus on Teyla.

"I've got to… head down to the infirmary… to gather my… kit!" Carson wheezed.

"And I'm gonna accompany John and Elizabeth to the control room!" Rodney spewed in a single breath.

"Suit yourselves," Ronon growled, and he and Teyla left the conference room. Carson scurried out after them as quickly as he could, looking flushed and uncomfortable.

There was an awkward silence among the trio remaining in the room.

"_Shall we?_" John said finally, with a grand gesture towards the door.

"We shall," Elizabeth replied, giving John a pointed look, and the three of them headed towards the central control room.

John radioed a technician and ordered her to prepare the MALP. By the time they got to the control room, everything was set for recon.

"It's a good thing Stargate Command was bright enough to send us another one of these along with the shipment of supplies on the Daedalus," Rodney said nervously, motioning at the MALP. "I mean, who _knows _what can be on that planet, right? If it looks dangerous or inhospitable, we probably won't go at all, right? For all we know, there may not even _be _a planet -"

"McKay, stop whining," John snapped. He turned to the MALP technician. "Is that thing ready to go yet?"

"Yes, sir," she replied.

"Good," said John, unimpressed. He nodded at Elizabeth, who was bent over Chuck's laptop looking up the planet's 'gate address. Having found it, she gave Chuck the okay to dial the 'gate.

As soon as a wormhole was established, the MALP technician sent the remote-controlled robot through. Within moments, the telemetry displayed breathable atmosphere, gravity within normal, high humidity, and a temperature of 85 degrees Fahrenheit. There was, however, a slight problem. The planet's Stargate was so overgrown with reddish-brown vines that the MALP became entrapped in the vegetation within a foot of the wormhole. It could proceed no further, and the view from its camera was completely obstructed by the plants.

"Well, that's it, isn't it?" Rodney asked hopefully. "We're not gonna go explore some impenetrable alien jungle, are we?"

"Hey, isn't that what _I _say?" John asked, sounding genuinely annoyed now. "All this means is we can't take the Puddlejumper. I'll just radio the rest of our team and tell them to meet us down by the 'gate instead of inside the 'jumper bay. A walk and some fresh air will do you good, McKay. Now go pack your stuff."

As much as Rodney hated to admit it, he was defeated. So he grumbled off in the direction of his lab to pack his bag of science equipment, then to the cafeteria to grab himself a power bar for later, and lastly to the armoury to get his vest and handgun. For the first time in his life, he did not have the appetite for lunch, so he decided to go ahead to the Gate room, thinking that being early would at least guarantee him not being put on the spot again. However, as often happened, he thoroughly underestimated his teammates.

"Oh, you've _got_ to be kidding me," Rodney groaned as the expectant faces of John, Teyla, and Ronon greeted him by the 'gate. Carson was there also, but he did not look expectant. In fact, he looked pretty much the way Rodney felt.

"Elizabeth, this is Sheppard," John said, tapping his earpiece. "I know I'm early, but we're all ready to go. I just need your OK."

There was a moment of silence while John listened intently.

"Okay, understood. We should be back by nightfall, but I'll radio you if something comes up. If we're not back by then… well, you know what to do."

There was another short silence.

"Thanks, Elizabeth. Sheppard out."

John now turned to his teammates.

"Alright, Elizabeth just gave us a go, so prepare for some tropical weather. Chuck!"

Chuck the 'gate technician gazed down at John from the control room.

"Dial the gate," John commanded.

"Yes, sir," Chuck replied, and proceeded to enter the chevrons. Within seconds, the 'gate was connected.

"Here's the plan:" John said, addressing his team again, "I'll go first, clear a path, and then radio the rest of you to follow _once I checked everything's safe. _Nobody goes through before then. That includes _you, _Ronon."

Ronon grunted what sounded like reluctant consent, and the rest nodded their understanding.

"I'll see you on the other side," John replied, and with that he stepped into the singularity.

Ten seconds later, Rodney, Carson, Teyla, and Ronon's earpieces all crackled to life.

"Guys, you better come through," came John's voice. "You won't _believe _what I'm looking at."

No matter how hard he tried not to, Rodney suddenly felt excited. A quick look exchanged with Teyla and Ronon told him that they felt quite the same.

"Let's go already," Ronon said, shoving past Teyla and Rodney, and walking into the wormhole. Rodney and Teyla followed, with Carson close behind them.

Rodney fell on his face. It seemed John did not do that good of a job clearing the vines off of the corresponding Stargate, because as soon as Rodney stepped out on the other end, his foot got caught and he came tumbling down in the most unceremonious manner. Ronon picked him up by the scruff of his vest and got him back on his feet before Teyla and Carson got a chance to trip over his flailing limbs. With a grimace, Rodney rubbed the wrist he had twisted in his landing, then looked around. His jaw dropped.

"_My_ _God,_" he began, "I don't think I've ever seen so much… so much…."

"Nothing," Ronon finished for him.

"Yes, that," Rodney replied, absent-mindedly snapping his fingers in the direction of Ronon's voice, all the while staring and gaping. "I mean, I was expecting a -"

"Jungle, yes," came Teyla's voice from behind him. "We all were."

Rodney turned around and looked at the Stargate through which they had come. Just as was shown by the MALP, it was completely covered by bright-brown vines. They grew and grappled onto each other, entwining, twisting, branching, and spreading, leaving little of the construction visible to the eye. There was one thing about them that did not come across as clearly in the telemetry as it did now. They were _dead, _undeniably dead, dry as leather, but surprisingly just as tough and unyielding. Rodney found all of this altogether unsettling.

Having taken his fill of the 'gate, Rodney made a complete turn on the spot, observing the strange world from horizon to horizon. He discovered, much to his discomfort, that the 'gate was the only structure in sight. In fact, it seemed to be the only _anything _in sight. This world, lit from the yellow sky by two scalding-white suns, appeared to be nothing but a flat plain in every direction. Nothing grew on the plain, nothing, that is, other than the goddamned brown vines. The dried-out plants were all there was to behold, like a dead terracotta sea. The ropelike masses covered the land completely in an even and flat layer of undetermined depth, the layer completely impenetrable. The vines grew so thickly together and were so intertwined that the team could easily stand atop the floor composed of them, just as they did now.

"This place makes me feel… uneasy," Teyla said, even _she _sounding nervous. "There is something unnatural about it, and I cannot explain what it is."

"Maybe it's the fact that it looks like someone took a jungle and did away with all the trees, leaving only the vines behind?" John suggested from the front of the group, with a slightly sickened expression on his face.

"I do not know," Teyla replied, her eyes wandering. "I have never seen anything like it."

"Neither have I, if that matters," Ronon added gruffly.

"Thanks, guys," John said, his voice thick with sarcasm. "Thanks for making me feel all better."

"Hey, wait a second!" Rodney exclaimed, whipping out his tablet from his backpack. "Trees aren't the only thing this 'jungle' is missing. Didn't the MALP show the temperature at 85 degrees? Well, now it's dropped down to 25. Celsius, that is. That's 77 Fahrenheit, John, before you ask."

"So the heat's down a few degrees," John replied. "Big deal. Frankly, it's quite pleasant here now as far as weather is concerned. Besides, there's clouds forming on the horizon. It's probably just a cold front coming."

"Alright, fine," Rodney admitted. "But what's up with the vines then? Why are they the only life on this rock? I mean, they _would'_ve been had they been alive to begin with!"

"I don't know," John replied tersely.

"They're not… they're not _poisonous, _are they?" Rodney asked cautiously, his paranoia and hypochondria kicking in simultaneously. "Now that I think about it, I _have_ been feeling kind of… _dizzy _ever since we got here."

"Is that why you fell over?" Ronon asked with a smirk.

Before Rodney got a chance to give a snappy response, John decided to settle the matter. "The plants are _not _poisonous. There were some caught on the MALP when we retrieved it, so Elizabeth sent them over to the botany department to be inspected. The report we got back said they were completely harmless."

"Is there any chance _they _are the medicine?" Carson asked, raising his voice from the back of the group for the first time since they got to the planet. He sounded hopeful, but for all the wrong reasons.

"No dice on that either," John replied. "They're just about as ordinary as our cabbage."

"At least you can _eat _cabbage," Rodney mumbled under his breath.

"And it doesn't talk too much either," Ronon added.

"Hey, hey!" John cried out at the bickering duo. "We've got work to do here! I say we explore on foot for an hour, but if we can't find anything interesting, we'll go back to Atlantis and take a 'jumper for an aerial sweep."

"Do we have to?" Rodney asked with a sigh.

"_Yes,_ McKay. Are you picking up any energy readings on your tablet?"

"Absolutely none," Rodney replied bluntly.

"Alright, then we'll go… we'll go… we'll go _that _way!" John said, finally picking an arbitrary direction and setting off across the ocean of vines. The rest followed reluctantly.

* * *

Half an hour later, everybody was back at the 'gate.

"You know how I tend to say something was a complete waste of my time, but I don't really mean it?" Rodney asked, wiping a few droplets of rain from his forehead.

Everyone mumbled something completely incoherent in response.

"Yes, exactly," Rodney replied. "Well, this time, I am _actually _saying this was a complete waste of my time."

"Yeah, I think I'll have to agree with you on that one," John said.

"This planet is altogether strange," Teyla remarked. "How is it that the suns have begun to set, but when we arrived here they were still high in the sky?"

"This rock is probably just very small," Rodney answered. "Or it rotates around its axis considerably faster than any other planet we've ever visited. Now, these honest-to-God _storm clouds _forming in a half-hour is what's _really_ bothering me." He wiped more rain off of his face and shook the water from his hands.

"Guys, can we please go already?" Carson demanded. "I'm freezing my knickers off!"

"I'm with ya on that one," John replied. "Let's get the hell outta here. Rodney, dial the 'gate."

"With pleasure," Rodney grumbled, and headed towards the dialing mechanism.

As soon as a connection was established, John, Teyla, and Ronon headed back to Atlantis. Rodney was about to go on himself, until he realized he had not seen Carson go through yet. After a quick glance over his shoulder, he found Carson standing behind him.

"Aren't you coming?" Rodney asked abruptly. "You said you were freezing your knickers off… whatever the hell those are."

"Rodney, can we talk?" Carson replied in a hopeful but serious tone.

"No," Rodney said without a second thought, and set off towards the 'gate.

"Rodney, please, just listen to me!" Carson exclaimed as he hurried after him.

"We have to go through now or else they'll wonder what the hell happened to us," Rodney said coldly.

"Oh, don't make up excuses! All I need is _two minutes _of your time - that is all."

"Not a chance, considering what happened the _last _time you had two minutes of my time."

"Rodney, wait!"

Rodney suddenly felt Carson grab him by the wrist, so he spun around furiously, having lost whatever little patience he naturally possessed. He was about to yank his arm free and give Carson a seething glare, but then he realized Carson was not looking at him - he was looking at the 'gate. At that moment, Rodney heard it - a violent cracking sound, and then the familiar whooshing of a wormhole disconnecting. He turned around just in time to see the Stargate shut itself off.

"Oh, crap," was all Rodney could manage.

"Is that… bad?" Carson asked, letting go of Rodney's wrist.

"Potentially, _very _bad," Rodney stated, jogging up to the dialing mechanism. He dialed Atlantis again, but got nothing out of the 'gate but the same deafening cracking sound. He tried a different address, but got the same result. He tried two more random addresses, but the Stargate simply would not function.

"Okay, this _is _very bad," Rodney finally concluded in a panicked tone.

"But the fact that we can't dial out doesn't mean Atlantis can't dial in, right?"

"Theoretically, yes - but, if they could, they would have done it already. Face it, Carson - we're stranded."

"Yeah, but you can fix it, right? What would you say, fifteen minutes?"

"In order to _fix _something, I first need to know what's _wrong _with it…" Rodney explained impatiently, "… and I have no idea what's wrong with the DHD. First things first, I need to…" As Rodney started to formulate his ideas, he automatically began snapping his fingers, though they more slipped than snapped in the pouring rain. "… I need to… I need to… I need to… eat something."

"Och, _really?_" Carson asked with a groan.

"I can't just come up with a plan on an empty stomach!" Rodney cried out in defense. "Well, actually, I probably _could _-"

"_Rodney!_"

"Right, right - _food,_" Rodney replied, rummaging in his backpack. He pulled out his power bar, unwrapped it, and shoved about half of it in his mouth. "Ah habn't haf luhch tohday," he mumbled with his mouth full, then swallowed and proceeded to make the rest of the bar disappear.

An overpowering gust of icy wind marked the coming of more grim-looking rolling storm clouds. Rodney looked up at the sky apprehensively and shivered, then crouched down beside the dialing mechanism. He extracted the crystal tray and peered at the alien processors, finding himself completely clueless as to the cause of their malfunction. The torrential rain and fading light did little to aid the situation.

"Anything?" Carson asked after about fifteen minutes of standing uselessly to the side.

"_No,_" Rodney snapped.

"Can I help?"

"_What?_" Rodney snapped again. "Of course not," then, after a quick thought, "Actually, there's a flashlight in my bag. I could use some light over here."

"Thought so," Carson replied a little smugly, but nevertheless proceeded to help Rodney with his lighting problem.

One hour later, both doctors were shivering visibly. It was now pitch-black around them, with any starlight, or any sunlight reflected off of any possible satellites, blocked completely by the rolling clouds. The rain had neither ceased nor lost its intensity, and it was safe to say that both Rodney and Carson were soaked to their very bones. Worst of all, they had made absolutely no progress.

"R-Rodney," Carson stammered through his chattering teeth, "I-I think we should seek out sh-sh-shelter."

"Are you serious? We give up, and we've lost our chances of returning to Atlantis. We're dead men."

"R-Rodney," Carson continued, checking something on Rodney's tablet, "the temperature has dropped to seven degrees Celsius, and it's _s-still _dropping. We're on the br-br-br-_brink _of hypothermia. We stay here, and we're _d-definitely _d-dead men."

"Yeah, and what are you suggesting?" Rodney snapped. "There's no _shelter _here."

"W-We could have missed something, a c-cave, maybe -"

"_Carson. _I am _not _wandering around in the dark in blind hopes of a hole in the ground. We _will _get lost, and we _won't_ be able to find the 'gate afterwards. Instead of lying warm and dead in a ditch somewhere, I would rather stay _here _and at least _try_ to save myself. Like a man."

"You are one stubborn bastard, did you know that?" Carson said with a sigh. "But you know what? _Fine. _We'll stay here. Just don't count on any more help from me."

"_Fine!_" Rodney exclaimed in response, grabbing his flashlight out of Carson's hand. "Go sulk in the rain like a wee little Scotsman. Leave the weather-beaten _Canadian _to do the _man's_ job!"

If Rodney had had night vision, he would have seen Carson give him the most seething glare just then. "I see neither a man nor a job," Carson said vehemently, then threw Rodney's tablet on top of Rodney's pack, and walked off into the darkness. He did not go far, however, but decided to stand, huddling himself, to the side, and wait for Rodney to finally come to his wandering senses.

Unsurprisingly, that did not take long. Carson had been watching the light from Rodney's flashlight with unfocused eyes for about twenty minutes, when, suddenly, he saw it flicker and drop to the ground. Rodney appeared to be frozen to the spot. Then, faintly, Carson heard Rodney say, "I-I can't move my fingers."

Carson was barely able to feel his _own_ hands, but nevertheless his medical instincts took over immediately. In a second, he was making his way towards Rodney. Rodney greeted him with that signature terrified look of his, the one where his eyes grew to about two times their size, and the one which, as Carson noticed, made him look not unlike a frightened cat. Carson actually found the look slightly endearing. He crouched beside the petrified astrophysicist and took his hands in his own. They felt as though they were made of solid ice. He bent and unbent a couple of Rodney's fingers. "Can you feel that?" he asked.

"N-No," Rodney replied, hardly able to talk, his eyes growing wider still.

Carson began to rub the palms and backs of Rodney's hands with his fingers, hoping that the friction would stimulate blood flow. "Anything?" he asked after a minute. Rodney did not say a word, but his eyes now looked like they were about to vacate their sockets. That was enough confirmation for Carson. "Alright," Carson said, picking up Rodney's dropped flashlight, Rodney's tablet, and Rodney's pack, and then pulling Rodney himself up onto his feet. "Let's go."

"Where're we going?" Rodney asked submissively, swaying on the spot.

"Anywhere that is not _here,_" Carson replied firmly.

The doctors set off nowhere in particular, with only the singular spot of light from the flashlight in Carson's hand guiding the way. They walked for ten minutes, with Rodney following Carson, and Carson following the dancing beam of light. Unfortunately, the ten minutes of exercise had gotten Rodney's blood flowing again, and with the blood returned the temper. Rodney was already regretting leaving the Stargate.

"We're lost, aren't we?" he demanded of Carson moodily.

"Rodney, we were lost to begin with," Carson replied.

"I _knew _we should've never left the 'gate!" Rodney exclaimed. "I showed you a hint a hint of weakness, and you took advantage of it. Like a coward."

"No, Rodney. You showed me a hint of _reason, _and then I helped you. Like a friend."

"You're calling _this _help? Where're we going, even?"

"I don't know," Carson replied honestly.

"Okay, that's _it!_" Rodney cried out. "We're going back. _Right now._"

Rodney lunged forward in an attempt to seize the flashlight from Carson's hand, but at that moment he sank knee-deep into the vines, and would have continued sinking further had he not grabbed a hold of Carson's arm, digging his talons remarkably deep into Carson's flesh. _Rodney's fingers have recovered well,_ Carson thought to himself, as his face contorted in pain.

"Carson, help!" Rodney cried out, every last bit of arrogance gone from his tone.

Carson would very much have liked to, but, with a literal sinking feeling, he realized the vines were parting underneath _his_ feet, as well. "Rodney, let go!" he exclaimed immediately. Rodney held on, tighter than ever. "Let go or we'll _both -_-" But it was too late. The vines beneath their feet gave way completely, and they found themselves tumbling head-over-heels down a steep vine-covered slope. The slope was short, and their landing soft due to masses of vines all around them, but Rodney still had to make the most pained yelp upon finally reaching a stop, forcing Carson to immediately demand if any bones were broken.

"No," Rodney groaned in response, trying to locate his scattered limbs. Carson, who was also unhurt, sat up, then pulled the flashlight out from underneath him. He shone it around the chamber that they now found themselves in. It was hollow, cave-like, and may at one point have been a veritable cave, but now the floor, walls, and ceiling were all covered by a layer of vines, much like the ground outside. Carson shone the light up the slope which they had just rolled down, similarly covered in vines, all the way up to the overgrown entrance. He could still hear the rain falling outside. _Inside, _however…. "Hey, it's _dry_ in here!" Rodney exclaimed suddenly, voicing Carson's exact thoughts.

"Aye, it is," Carson said, looking around and not spotting a single leak. His face broke into an excited smile. "Now we just need to get warmed up." Though the temperature inside the chamber was considerably higher than the temperature outside, with their wet clothes it made little difference. "We need to get these soaking rags off, make use of each others' body heat."

"I am doing none of those things," Rodney stated blankly.

"_Rodney,_" Carson groaned, beginning to lose patience. "Remember what happened the _last _time you didn't take my advice?"

"Irrelevant," was Rodney's response. "There's just no way in _hell _thatI'm stripping down to my boxers and 'making use of my body heat' with you. Oh, and _you _aren't allowed to strip, either!"

Carson sighed. "Rodney…." he began, but immediately decided anything he said would prove futile, and gave up. Instead, he went to sit against the wall of the cave, and, though Rodney protested, pulled off his dripping vest and his drenching shoes and socks. He kept his pants and shirt on for Rodney's sake. With the dry vines against most of his body, he was soon beginning to feel warmer. Rodney, on the other hand, was not doing so good. In an attempt to stay warm without ridding himself of his wet clothes, he had curled up in a ball in the middle of the cavern, and had begun shivering visibly. "Rodney, I suggest you get over here," Carson said sternly.

"L-Leave me alone," Rodney growled in response. Carson glared at him through the darkness, but nevertheless said nothing more.

Carson awoke with a start, and he did not know whether he had been asleep for one minute or one hour. He picked up the flashlight in his lap, which he had accidentally left on, and immediately shone it in Rodney's direction. Rodney lay there as before, except that he was no longer shivering, or moving. Carson could not even tell if he were breathing or not.

"Rodney…?" Carson asked the immobile shape tentatively. There was no reply, no movement. "Oh, bloody hell!" Carson cried out, springing to his feet. He rushed to Rodney's side, and rolled him over onto his back, feeling his unresponsive face with the back of his hand. It was icy to the touch, but Rodney was still breathing faintly. "You sodding idiot," Carson swore under his breath, while his heart pounded against his ribcage. He picked Rodney up under his arms and dragged him effortfully to the side of the cavern. "Gotta… cut down… on the… maple syrup… and… Kraft Dinner… love," he grunted under the strain. His backside rammed into the wall, and he collapsed onto the floor with Rodney still in his arms. He fought with Rodney's dripping-wet vest, finally removing it and casting it to the side. He then pulled Rodney in as closely as possible so as to most effectively transfer his body heat. He wrapped his arms around Rodney's chest, fearing for the vital organs contained there, and rubbed it rhythmically. After about fifteen minutes, Rodney groaned slightly. Carson exhaled a tremendous sigh of relief, and waited for Rodney to awaken completely. Rodney, however, seemed to prefer continuing sleeping. "You probably won't even remember me saving your life come morning," Carson muttered. Finally, however, he relaxed against the wall of the cave, keeping his arms wrapped around Rodney for warmth, and, soon enough, he, too, was asleep.


	4. UNAVOIDABLE

_Unavoidable_

Rodney opened his eyes to the sight of Carson's bare ankles at the level of his face. Half-asleep and perplexed, he heightened his gaze along Carson's bare legs until he realized Carson was wearing naught but his navy-blue briefs. Rodney sat up like a jack-in-the-box.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he screeched.

Carson, who was actually collecting the clothes scattered all around the cavern, looked down at Rodney with a patiently disapproving expression on his face.

"Good morning to you, too," he answered. "You'll understand in a moment."

Having picked up the last article of clothing, he climbed up the slope of the cave toward the entrance, and disappeared into the blinding light which poured in from beyond.

Rodney shivered, which was strange considering it was extremely hot and humid inside the cavern. Nevertheless, he felt both cold and extremely uncomfortable. Then he realized the cause of his discomfort. His clothes, soaked in the rainstorm yesterday night, were still damp, and hung to his skin with the consistency of wet toilet paper. He suddenly experienced the undeniable urge to pull them off. _Oh._ Obviously, Carson must have felt the exact same way when _he _had woken up, which is why he was nearly entirely unclothed now. Rodney breathed a tiny sigh of relief, yet nevertheless decided to make a point of not taking his own clothes off. Instead, he scrambled up the vines and out of the entrance of the cave.

Outside, the suns beat down onto the ground so hotly that Rodney was momentarily blinded by the combined intensity of their rays. The intense heat along with his moist clothing made him feel all the more ill and feverish. Once he had regained the use of his eyes, he found Carson a few feet away, laying out his clothes on top of the vines, seemingly to dry. Having heard Rodney's clambering out of the cave, Carson turned to him and asked pointedly, "How're you feeling?"

"Like I'm getting the flu," Rodney grumbled bitterly in response.

"Take those rags off and you'll feel much better," Carson replied.

"Yeah, I'm sure _you'd _like that," Rodney snapped, eyeing him distrustfully.

Carson said nothing and went on with laying out his clothes on top of the vines. Rodney continued glaring at him, but soon realized he was being paid zero attention to. This, unsurprisingly, left him at a loss of how to act. As he stood idly by, vapour began to rise from his soggy clothes, making him feel not unlike if he were in a sauna. A sauna, that is, where everything around him stuck to his body clammily and made his skin itch and burn, and gave him chills, all the while making him feel dizzy and lightheaded and nauseated -

Rodney started taking off his clothes frantically before he threw up. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Carson watching him with a smug expression on his face, but for once he did not care. When he had stripped down to his boxers, he, too, lay his vest, shirt, pants, socks, and shoes out to dry.

"Now, isn't that better?" Carson asked, sounding extremely satisfied with himself.

"Don't flatter yourself - I was about to die."

Carson was now staring at the design on Rodney's boxers bemusedly.

"_What?_" Rodney snapped again.

"Kiwifruit? Really?"

"It was either that or lemons, and I _hate _lemons."

"Yes, and that makes _perfect _sense," Carson replied sarcastically, picking up a flask off of the ground and taking a swig of water from it.

"Actually, yes -_ hey, why are you drinking from my flask?_"

In response to Rodney's outburst, Carson fixed him, and then the flask, with a wide-eyed stare, swallowed heavily, withdrew the flask from his lips, and said calmly, "This is my flask, Rodney."

"No, I _specifically_ remember draining yours yesterday!"

"Yes, and I refilled it this morning."

"With _what? _It's dry as a desert out here! Or did you happen to find a _water cooler _in that cave, hm?"

"No, Rodney, I just looked under my feet."

"And what is _that _supposed to mean?"

"Have you looked at the vines at all this morning?"

"No, why?" Rodney asked, looking down at the ground beneath his feet. "_Oh._"

Having been completely ignorant of the vines since he woke up that morning, Rodney failed to realize they now looked _different. _They were no longer dried up, shriveled, and dead-looking, but now actually looked alive, were swelled with liquid, and were a bright glistening red colour.

Carson crouched beside his bag of medical supplies and fished out a scalpel. He then pulled a vine up from the ground and used the scalpel to cut it in half. Clear, crisp liquid poured out.

"It's water," Carson stated. "I filled my flask with it."

"Are you _crazy?_" Rodney exclaimed, suddenly advancing on Carson and grabbing the flask out of his hands. He stared down its throat with scrutiny. "You sure it's not _poison, _doctor?"

"I tested it and it's pure H2O, Rodney. It seems the vines absorb it overnight and store it for use during the scorching day. It's probably the only way they can survive, considering the state they end up in by the time the suns go down."

"_Suns…_ that'll take some getting used to." Rodney stared at the flask again. "You're _sure_ this is safe to drink?"

"As safe as rainwater on an alien planet."

"Good," Rodney said, then proceeded to chug most of the water in the flask, dumping whatever was left onto his head and face.

"_Hey!_" Carson cried out. "It took me fifteen minutes to fill that!"

"And it's gonna take _me _the entire day to fix the dialing mechanism! In other words, deal with it."

Rodney tossed the empty flask back to Carson, who caught it reproachfully.

"So, first things first," Rodney continued, "you have any food?"

"I saved you my power bar, _as always,_" Carson replied with a sigh, then began to rummage around in his bag again. After having retrieved the bar, he tossed it at Rodney a little more powerfully than was necessary.

"_Carson!_" Rodney exclaimed, barely able to catch the bar inches from his face.

"Deal with it," was Carson's reply.

Rodney ate and glared while Carson took to the task of filling his flask again.

"Okay," Rodney said as soon as he had finished the bar, "I'm going back to the Stargate now." His face fell suddenly. "But _of course _we don't know where the Stargate _is _anymore!"

"Rodney -"

"I _told _you not to leave it last night!"

"_Rodney -_"

"Didn't I tell you?"

"_Rodney!_"

"_What?_"

"Please look behind you."

Rodney turned around with a sigh, not really expecting to see anything, and was genuinely surprised to immediately spot the silhouette of the Stargate, clearly visible across the nothingness about half a mile away.

"_Oh,_" Rodney said out loud for the second time that morning.

"The 'gate is the tallest structure around for miles. Did you honestly think we'd end up losing sight of it?"

"Actually, yes, I did. I'm a pessimist, okay?"

"Yes, yes, I know. Now, _can you fix it?_"

"_Yes._ That's where I'm heading right now."

"Good. What can I do to help?"

Rodney lifted an eyebrow, seriously doubting Carson's ability to help him in any way whatsoever, but then an idea came to him.

"Well, seeing as you already gave me your power bar," he said, "_find more food._"

Carson looked less than pleased with the task he had been given. Rodney, as oblivious to Carson's disapproval as ever, descended back into the cave and reemerged five minutes later smothered in sunscreen and carrying his pack and gun.

"I'm off," he said cheerily. "Happy hunting."

With that, he turned on his heel and started toward the Stargate.

* * *

The day had been just about as successful as the one before, meaning not successful at all. It must have been noon by the time Rodney screwed up his face in utter loss, sat back from the dialing mechanism, and scratched his sweaty head. Once again, he had found nothing wrong with the DHD. He had tried rearranging the crystals, cleaning them, checking them for the tiniest fractures, but in the end had come up with nothing. He was hot, thirsty, hungry, and frustrated, so he had decided he needed a break. Thankfully, that is just when he heard the crunching of vines behind him and turned around to see that Carson had finally come to join him. He carried with him his pack of medical supplies, two full flasks of water, and _the strangest creature Rodney had ever seen._

The animal wiggled lazily as Carson held it by the scruff of its neck, or rather by the scruff of where its neck _would _have been had it had one. All in all, the creature looked not unlike a caterpillar, but a caterpillar the size of a cat. Like a caterpillar, it was divided into segments - a head and six segments following it. It had twelve legs, six on either side of its elongated body, one pair per segment. All of the legs looked about the same - two-inch-long fleshy circular stubs about one inch in diameter, - with the exception of the pair protruding from the first segment from the head. These were three inches long and stuck out horizontally like little arms; they were hard, shiny, and narrow, and had two-inch-long pincers on the ends. The pincers were considerably wider in surface area than the arms, but much thinner. The arms and pincers curved inwards, so that when the pincers were closed, they looked not unlike miniature spades. The inner edges of the pincers looked sharp as scissors and appeared to be well-adapted for cutting.

The animal's head was very feline in shape, with the exception of it having two flat slits for a rabbit-like nose and the eyes being nearly three times the size of a cat's. Instead of ears, the creature had what Rodney could only assume were antennas with plumes of fluff on top. It had mandibles very similar to those of Earth insects, with two side by side saw-like jaws which interlocked perfectly when closed. On the opposite end of its body waved a small wispy tail.

The animal was covered in fur. The hair was longest on its back and sides, where it reached one and half inches. On the underside of its body, however, the hair was only half an inch long. The head was an exception, because the hair there was shorter yet and silky-smooth as opposed to fluffy. The antenna stems were also covered by a barely visible layer of fur, and there were black lash-like bristles around the creature's eyes. The only parts of the animal's body which were not covered in hair were its feet, its skeletal pincers, its jaws, and its eyes.

What _truly_ unnerved Rodney, however, were the creature's colours, which were very striking. While its feet were of an inconspicuous peach colour and its pincers and jaws were ebony-white, the fur on its back was bright purple and on its underside a soft lavender. Its head was indigo and so were its antenna stems, though the colour transitioned into sky blue by the time it reached the plumes. Most extraordinary of its features, however, were its eyes. The almond-shaped orbs had no whites, and excluding the black vertical slits of the pupils and the thin black rims surrounding the irises, they were tricoloured. Circling out from around the pupils and toward the edges of the eyes, the three colours seemed to fluoresce outwards. The innermost was a blue so bright it was almost white, the middle was a purple with a similar brightness, and the outermost was a blinding lavender. The colours transitioned into each other smoothly where they met.

The creature flicked out a long, pink, and forked tongue, and blinked its eyes at Rodney.

"What… is _that?_" Rodney demanded, finally finding the ability to speak had returned to him.

"I have no idea," Carson replied, shrugging. "I found it crawling in the vines not far from our cave."

"It's not… it's not _poisonous,_ is it?" Rodney asked, eyeing the animal tentatively.

"I tested its blood and didn't find any toxins."

The gears in Rodney's tired brain began to turn slowly. "So what you're saying is… we can eat it?"

Carson blinked at Rodney, clearly caught by surprise by his question.

"I… haven't thought about that, but yes, I suppose we can."

"Great!" Rodney exclaimed. "Cook it up then; I'm starving!"

"You want me to… killit?" Carson asked uneasily, his face growing a little paler than it usually was.

"Well, how else are you gonna cook it?" Rodney snapped.

Carson drew the caterpillar up to his chest and held it protectively. "I… I don't think I can do that," he stuttered.

"Oh, stop being so _gay_ and just kill the damned thing!" Rodney spat, losing his patience.

"At least I'm not so deep in the closet I vacation in Narnia!" Carson cried out in defense. "Besides, you're the one with the gun; you kill it!"

Rodney opened his mouth to deliver some wry response, but then he realized he had none, so he shut it again. He looked at the handgun lying on the vines beside his pack, feeling an icy mass form at the bottom of his stomach. For once, he knew Carson had a point.

"Actually, maybe we should hold off on killing it," Rodney said finally. "I mean, who knows how long we'll end up stranded here? And if this is the only food we find, we should probably wait until we're _really_ starving before we eat it."

Carson looked undeniably relieved.

"That was an uncharacteristically wise decision on your part," he told Rodney. "Now, how's it going with the 'gate?"

"It's _not,_" Rodney replied mournfully.

"How about I take a look? Maybe all you need is a pair of fresh eyes."

"Even if I were blind, I _strongly_ doubt you'd see something I missed."

"Well, it's not like I've anything else to do now."

"Sure you do! You can take Sam for a walk."

"… Sam?"

"That caterpillar you're cuddling."

"You named it _Sam?_" Carson exclaimed. "Your obsession with that woman has now reached disturbing levels, my friend. And isn't it very convenient that your supposed female love interest lives millions of light years away?"

"I didn't name it that because of Samantha. I named it that because we don't know whether it's a boy or a girl, and 'Sam' works for either one. And for your information, mine and Samantha's undeniable desire for each other is uninhibited by neither time nor space."

After a moment of flabbergasted silence, "Alright, I'm taking Sam for a walk," Carson said, then tossed Rodney one of the flasks of water, turned on the spot, and set off in the opposite direction, shaking his head.

* * *

It was a long time before Carson returned again. The suns have begun their downward arc across the yellow sky, and Rodney knew nighttime was coming fast. In Carson's absence, he had tried once more everything he had done earlier that day - cleaning the crystals, rearranging them, checking them for fractures - but was just as unsuccessful in repairing the DHD. He now raised his eyes to the white-hot suns which threatened to bake his head under his dark brown hair, then glanced at his empty flask, and finally stared once again at the hated dialing mechanism. He swore out loud.

"That bad, huh?" Carson's voice said from behind him.

Rodney turned his weary head to see the doctor standing in the arch of the Stargate, leaning against one of its inner walls, his bag set down on the ground beside him. Sam the alien caterpillar lay on his shoulders, wrapped around his neck like a fancy scarf, and appeared to be fast asleep. Had Rodney been less tired, he would have noticed that Carson also carried a clump of roots with white tuber-like masses hanging in its midst. Instead, Rodney turned his head back and hung it low between his shoulders, groaning.

"_Bad_ is an understatement," he mumbled mournfully.

"Then now is the perfect time to say I've got something for you," Carson replied with evident excitement in his voice.

"If it's a sample of Sam's feces, I'm not interested."

Carson now walked around to Rodney's front and held the clump of tubers out before his face.

"What the -" Rodney began, furrowing his eyebrows. Then realization hit him. "Hey, those look like… _potatoes._ How in the world did you find them?"

Carson grinned. "I just did what you told me to do - I took Sam for a walk."

Rodney blinked, then, "You lost me," he said.

"After I let Sam go, I sat down and watched it for a while. I was very curious about what makes up its diet seeing as the vines appear to be its only possible food source and yet they aren't particularly nutritious as they seem to be ninety-nine percent water. Then Sam started doing something unusual. Instead of feeding on the vines, it used its pincers to dig _through_ the vines. When it stopped digging, only its tail was showing above the surface, and I approached it to see what it had found. You'll never believe this, Rodney, but it had reached _the ground._"

Carson waited patiently for Rodney's reaction, but Rodney just looked at him blankly, awaiting the continuation of the story without picking up on the grand revelation.

"Don't you see what this _means?_" Carson tried again, his excitement undeniable now.

Rodney's blank stare continued.

Carson groaned. "It means the ground under the vines _isn't_ uniform! It would've made sense because the _vine cover_ is, but it isn't!"

"And what makes you say that?"

"Rodney, what happened to your brain while I was gone? Sam only had to dig a foot into the vines before it reached the ground; our cave is at least ten feet deep. Therefore, the ground underneath the vines is _not_ uniform. For all we know, there could be mountains and hills and valleys under there! In fact, I'm willing to bet we're on a hill right now!"

"Really? How come?"

"Because otherwise the Stargate would've been buried in vines!" Carson cried out. He returned to the 'gate, crouched below the centre of the arch, lay the tubers onto the ground beside him, and began to dig through the vines in front of his feet. After a few seconds, he stopped with a triumphant expression on his face. "Just as I thought! Solid rock less than a foot down. Me and Sam found the tubers in clay, so the type of terrain must change as well. The rock works in our favour though. I think we might be able to start a small fire here for cooking."

Rodney's half-lidded eyes snapped open. "Cooking… _food?_ You mean we can actually _eat_ those potato things?"

"They're not really potatoes. They kind of taste like it, only sweeter, but they're layered like onions and textured like onions, too. I imagine they taste better when cooked."

"You _tasted_ one? Are you sure it's safe? I mean, they're not _toxic,_ are -"

"Will you ever stop asking that and actually _trust_ me for once?"

"Okay, okay! Can you light a fire?"

"I think so," Carson replied. He cleared an area of about two feet by two feet on the bare rock, then reached over for his bag and fished out a pack of survival equipment. From this he drew a lighter. He then broke off some thin tendrils of dry vine and lay them in a small pile on the rock. He set the pile on fire, adding thicker tendrils and branches of vine until the fire was burning bright, hot, and fast.

Carson grinned. "We have fire, lad."

Carson separated the tubers from the roots, then reached into his bag again and pulled out his flask and a stainless steel surgical bowl. He poured most of the contents of the flask into the surgical bowl, then proceeded to use the remaining water to rinse the tubers free of dirt. He placed the tubers into the bowl one by one, then set the bowl straight onto the coals, which were now the only thing left over from the vines.

It only took a few minutes for the water to boil. Ten minutes later, Carson prodded the tubers with the fork from his Swiss Army knife. Seeing as the fork slipped easily through, he decided the tubers were cooked through and ready to eat. He took the bowl off of the coals.

"Rodney, get your fork out."

Rodney rummaged in his pack and pulled out his Swiss Army knife. He stood up and padded over to the 'gate, where he and Carson sat down across from each other with the bowl in the middle.

"You eat one first," Rodney said, eyeing the boiled tubers warily.

Carson shrugged, impaled one of the tubers with his fork, and took a hefty bite out of it. "Mmmmm."

Rodney ate six tubers and Carson ate three. They washed them down with the nutrient-rich water left in the bowl.

As the suns began going down, they sat underneath the 'gate and basked in the cooling air. Carson looked up at the gathering rain clouds and was struck by an idea.

"Have you ever thought the problem is with the _'gate,_ not the dialing mechanism?"

"What could possibly go wrong with the 'gate, Carson? It's solid rock."

"Well, judging by the highly adapted vegetation and wildlife," - he glanced over at Sam sleeping on his shoulders - "I'd say the climate here is practically unchanging. Which means rain and thunderstorms occur nightly. Think about it, Rodney: the Stargate is likely the highest structure in a very large area. Think how many times a night it must get hit by lightning. And it's been here ten thousand years, at least. Couldn't prolonged exposure to extreme conditions damage it?"

"All Stargates have a grounding system. Trust me when I say the Ancients _were_ smarter than you."

"Smarter than you, too."

Rodney looked down into the pit of black coals. "Yeah."

One of the coals cracked in the falling temperature.

Rodney's head whipped up and he snapped his fingers vigorously. "Canadian roads," he said.

Carson raised an eyebrow.

"Why are Canadian roads always full of potholes?"

"Because your government's cheap?"

"_No._ It's because of our weather. In the winter, our temperature can skip from above zero to below zero very fast."

"So?"

"So think about what that means for our roads. If in the day it rains or snow melts, all the little cracks in the asphalt get filled with water. Then overnight when the water freezes, it expands, making the cracks larger until they turn into potholes."

"So you think the same might have happened to the 'gate?"

"If the temperature falls below freezing here at night, then yes! Did you happen to catch if it did yesterday?"

"I woke once shortly before dawn. It was very warm in the cave but when I went outside for a leak, the wines were frozen. I think your theory might actually have substance to it, Rodney."

"Of course it does. Otherwise I wouldn't have thought of it. _Okay._ Continuous lightning creates small fissure in the surface of the 'gate. Freezing water expands fissure until it breaches the 'gate's hull. Stargates are waterproof, but if the hull _is_ breached, water can damage the internal electronics."

"Alright," Carson said, "now we just need to find the fissure if there is one."

They got up off of the ground and began a thorough inspection of the 'gate.

"There's nothing at eyelevel or below," Carson reported after a few minutes.

"Nothing I can see on the underside of the arch either," Rodney said.

They exchanged a knowing look and began to back up from the 'gate. At a distance of about twenty-five feet, they covered their eyes with their hands against the setting suns and tried in vain to peer at the top of the structure.

"We have to get up there," Carson said.

"I know. I'll give you a boost and you'll climb up and check for cracks."

"Rodney, you have a bad back."

"Can't you set it back if I throw it out?"

"Last time I checked, I was a medical doctor, not a bloody chiropractor. I'll lift _you,_ Rodney."

"Fine, but if I _fall_ -"

"I'll be able to fix _that,_ Rodney." Carson took Sam from his neck and let it down onto the ground. "Stay, boy… or girl."

It took about two minutes for Carson to get Rodney first standing on the palms of his hands, and then on his shoulders. Finally, Rodney sat straddling the 'gate and inspecting its surface like a robin inspects the ground for worms.

"I found the crack!"

Carson beamed up from the ground. "Is it big?"

"Huge! There's so much stuff that could fit in here."

"Can you fit your fist in there?"

"I don't think so, but I can slip my fingers in."

"Damn. That's big. How do we fix it?"

"Oh, so now I've got to think of everything? Actually, who am I kidding? Of course I do."

Carson sighed. "Well, if the 'gate is completely flooded -"

"Stargates are compartmentalized specifically to prevent flooding of the entire structure if a breach occurs. That means there's only one compartment that's flooded."

"Okay, so now we just need to figure out how to dry the compartment out. We can apply a heat source -"

"Did you say you found the tubers in clay?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Because clay is water absorbent. If it's dry, we can grind it and pour it into the fissure. It'll absorb the water and the Stargate should work. Well, theoretically."

"Rodney, that's… genius."

"No time for flattery, Carson," Rodney said. "Now, I don't much like the idea of getting off the 'gate only to have to climb back on, so you better go get me the clay while I wait for you up here."

"Good idea, Rodney. I'll go right now." Carson started walking briskly in the direction he had come from carrying the tubers. Thunder clashed overhead.

"_Hurry!"_ Rodney yelled after him. Carson increased his pace to an energetic jog.

* * *

An icy-cold raindrop plummeted from the sky and exploded on the tip of Rodney's nose. Rodney went cross-eyed trying to stare at it. He had been sitting on top of the Stargate for nearly twenty minutes now and his ass was killing him.

"Please, Carson, for the love of God, hurry up," he muttered to himself.

"_Rodney!"_ An out of breath voice from behind him. Rodney turned around to see Carson huff up to the 'gate, covered in sweat.

"Well, _finally!_ What, did you get turned around at the Tim Hortons or something?"

"What?"

"Never mind. Do you have the clay? Hurry - it's starting to rain."

Carson passed Rodney the stainless-steel surgical bowl. It was now filled with fine clay powder.

"I ground it with a rock," Carson said, looking pleased with himself.

Rodney shook the bowl from side to side, watching the dry clay powder slide over itself. "This just might do the trick." He glanced at Carson for support and received a nod back. "Here goes nothing."

Droplets blotted the brown clay with splotches of wetness as Rodney poured the dry powder into the crack.

"Please, God, if you exist, let this work."

The rain was increasingly steadily now.

"Rodney, may I make a suggestion? _Hurry the sod up."_

"There, done!" Rodney chucked the now empty surgical bowl onto the ground. Now came the hard part - getting down. There was not much time to think, so Rodney winged it. Laying down on his stomach on top of the arch, he swung his left leg over to join his right. Using his upper-body strength, he then tried to gently let himself down. Unfortunately, Rodney had barely any upper-body strength, so he more fell than let himself down, scraping the inside of his right forearm on the rough stone edge of the 'gate. There was no time to notice the pain.

The crystals at the dialing mechanism were out of place.

"_Crap!"_ Rodney cried out, hastily stuffing the crystals into their proper slots. He noticed his hair was getting wet from the rain.

"What now?" Carson asked, jogging over.

"Nothing, nothing - I got it!" Rodney placed the last crystal into its spot, then got to his feet. He dialed Atlantis.

The first chevron was engaged without trouble. So was the second. So were the third through the seventh.

A wormhole bubbled into existence.

Thunder rolled and with it came a downpour as if the sky had opened up on a celestial ocean. The Stargate whined and groaned - the wormhole wavered. Then the wormhole fizzled out into nothingness.

"No," Rodney said.

Carson shut his eyes.

Rodney began dialing again. And again. And again. It was only when Carson caught Rodney's hand with his own that Rodney stopped.

"Give it up," Carson said. "We'll try it again when it dries out tomorrow morning."

"_Goddamn it,"_ Rodney spat. He kicked the DHD, then hopped away on one foot in pain. "I swear," he continued through gritted teeth, "when we leave this goddamned planet, I'll come back and _blow it up."_

"That's the spirit. You can look forward to that tonight, but we really need to get going now. There's no use hanging out here after dark."

"I know," Rodney said bitterly, then proceeded to collect his pack and his water flask.

"It'll work tomorrow," Carson said. "I know it will."

"Save it for when it fails again," Rodney replied, then set off along the path of crushed vines back toward the cave.

Carson picked up the surgical bowl, his flask, and his medical pack, then considered Sam. Unable to bear the idea of leaving the animal to soak out in the rain, he took it into his hands. Sam remained coiled as tightly as ever. After a moment's thought, Carson shrugged and held the rolled caterpillar over his head like a hat. "Sorry, lad, but if you're gonna get wet either way, you might as well be useful doing it."


	5. UNFORGETTABLE

_Unforgettable_

Rodney stomped down into the cave, relishing in the sound of the swollen vines bursting and exploding under his feet. Once inside, he threw down his pack and water flask, then threw himself down to sit with his back against one of the cave walls. He shut his eyes against the sight of this world that he hated so much. Two minutes later, he heard Carson's loud swearing coming from outside.

"_Bloody hell!"_ Carson was coming into the cave, Sam under his arm, waving in his hand his soaking-wet T-shirt. "We forgot to put our clothes back in the cave before it started raining again! Now they're sodding wet again!" He wrung his T-shirt, then let it fall to the floor.

"Who cares?" Rodney asked without opening his eyes. "The evening's gone down the drain anyway."

"_You_ should care because we're gonna freeze to death!"

In his fury, Rodney had forgotten to feel cold. Opening his eyes, he realized Carson was quite a different matter. As the doctor set down his pack and put down Sam beside it, he shivered visibly. Rodney remained silent as Carson sat down against the wall across from him, wrapped his arms around his dripping chest, and rubbed his shoulders. Rodney shut his eyes again.

When he opened them again maybe fifteen minutes later, he was surprised to find Carson still shivering. In the descending twilight of the cave, the doctor looked paler than death. Rodney groaned and shifted in his spot. "Goddamn it, Carson. Come here."

Carson stared at him from across the cave. "What?"

"You heard me. Come here." He patted his chest. "I owe you one."

Faint colour hinted itself on Carson's cheeks. "You remember?"

"Well, yeah. I wasn't unconscious the _whole_ time."

Shakily, Carson got up from the ground and walked over to Rodney. Even more shakily, he settled down on the ground between Rodney's legs, his back against Rodney's chest. "Just wrap your arms around my chest -"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember," Rodney snapped, wrapping his arms around Carson's chest. After a few moments he felt Carson's tense body relax and settle down against him.

"Thanks, Rodney," Carson said gently. "You're a good friend."

Rodney said nothing.

Minutes crawled by and it was Rodney now who felt tense. Carson was reproachingly warm against him, warming him with his body when Rodney knew he did not deserve to be warmed.

"No, I'm not," he said finally. "I'm not a good friend to you, and honestly I don't know why you're such a good friend to _me."_ He waited with baited breath. It was not often that he admitted his fault in something - in fact, he could not remember the last time he had done it - so he was anxious and apprehensive to hear what Carson would say.

Carson said nothing. He simply lay relaxed in Rodney's arms, his eyes closed and his breathing steady.

Rodney groaned and would have thrown up his arms if they were not wrapped around Carson's chest. "Are you _kidding?_ Here I go baring my _soul_ to you and you're _asleep?_ Really?" Then Rodney realized something: with Carson asleep and unable to hear him, he could tell him things he would have never otherwise been able to say, but things that nevertheless needed to be said before they ate him up from the inside. He felt a chill go down his spine and a queasiness in his stomach which he recognized and which shamed him. He fought off the butterflies, set his jaw, and took a deep breath. "Carson, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I treat you badly and ignore you even though you don't deserve any of it. I'm sorry I avoided you after our… uh, kiss. Not the real one - the first one. And I'm sorry I avoided you after our real kiss, too. I wanted to hurt you and it was rude and cruel of me and I'm sorry. I don't think there's anything wrong with…. In fact, I'm flattered you'd take such an interest in me - nobody ever does. _In fact,_ sometimes I wish I were… well, you know… because then I'd have you and I can't ask for anyone better."

"Is that so?"

Rodney froze, his face turning chalk-white in an instant. Slowly, reluctantly, he lowered his gaze to Carson's face. Carson's sapphire blues twinkled back at him, bright in the fading light.

"So…" Rodney began, determinedly trying to avoid eye contact, "… exactly how much of that did you hear?"

"Oh, I heard it _all,"_ Carson replied with a mischievous grin. "I'm happy we're finally on the same page."

"Whoa, whoa, what's that supposed to mean?" Rodney burst out, but Carson was already moving, sitting up, turning around. Rodney pressed as tightly as he could against the wall of vines behind him. "That's not what I meant!" But it was too late.

The kiss was gentle, uncertain. It asked for permission.

Carson withdrew. "What's not what you meant, Rodney?" he asked, smiling cockily.

Rodney's heart was now beating far too fast for him to answer properly. He mumbled something about taking back what he said and about Carson taking advantage of him in a clearly delusional state of mind.

Carson rolled his eyes. "Shut it," he said, and dove in for another kiss.

_Shut it?_ Rodney thought as Carson's tongue caressed the inside of his mouth. _SHUT IT? Who does he think he is?_ Angrily, he flipped Carson onto his back, pinning him to the ground. _Uh-oh._

Carson looked up at Rodney, breathless expectation on his face. Rodney shifted his position on top of him, placing his knees on either side of his hips. _Damn it - too late to go back now. _The heat coming off of Carson's body was difficult to resist. _Damn it all - I deserve this._

Rodney dipped his head toward Carson's, but stopped within an inch of his lips. If he was going to do this, if he was seriously doing it, then he wanted to do it properly. Slowly, he closed the gap between them, kissing Carson's upper lip, noting the softness of his lips in comparison to the roughness of his stubble. But the position was awkward, not intimate enough, so Rodney cupped Carson's face and brought him up into a sitting position, straddling his thighs. Keeping his hands on Carson's face, Rodney kissed him again, his mouth open this time, wanting to taste. Carson responded with fervour, wrapping his arms around Rodney's back, drawing up his knees and moving Rodney up into his lap. Rodney could not hold back any longer. He finally pushed his tongue into Carson's open mouth and for a few minutes they simply sat and allowed their tongues to explore each other, unrestrained and unrestricted.

Suddenly, Carson shifted his attention to Rodney's neck, sucking, biting, and licking. Rodney found himself being dipped backward and was soon lying on the ground, Carson on top. Carson kissed down his neck, down his chest, down his stomach, down to his treasure trail, and then back again. Having kissed Rodney's lips, "Let me make love to you," he said.

"_What?_ There's no way I'm being the woman in this!"

"Why not?" Carson asked, gently kissing Rodney's jaw. "It's very pleasurable being the woman."

"Nuh-uh. Not happening."

"Alright. Then you make love to me."

"I don't think I can do that."

Carson's hand travelled purposefully down to Rodney's groin, pleasuring him over his boxers. Rodney shut his eyes and groaned, realizing he was painfully hard.

"What's that you said?" Carson asked.

"I said I don't think -"

Carson's hand dove into Rodney's boxers, his fingers wrapping around Rodney's throbbing member. Rodney forgot what he was saying and thrust into Carson's hand with another desperate groan.

"That's right," Carson crooned. "Don't think. _Do."_

"Have you ever…?" Rodney began when Carson had let go of him and he could think again.

"Yes."

"What? _When?"_

"Well, not on Atlantis, obviously. Before that. When I was just a lad in Scotland, mostly."

"So you know how to…?"

"Yes, Rodney."

"Then you'll have to show me, 'cause I have no idea."

"If you know how to fuck a woman, Rodney, you know how to fuck a man," Carson said, and pulled off Rodney's boxers.

Normally, Rodney felt self-conscious when naked. Even as a kid in front of his parents, even in front of his family doctor, especially in the presence of a woman. But when Carson became his doctor, Rodney no longer felt like he was being humiliated when asked to take his clothes off at a checkup or for treatment. And now, in this twilit cave on an exotic secluded planet, light-years away from others' judging eyes, naked in front of Carson and Carson only, Rodney felt completely and genuinely at ease.

"That's better," Carson said, tossing the kiwi-fruit boxers aside. "You're awfully dry though."

"Dry?"

"Yeah. It's been a while, so I'll need some lubrication." Carson spat into his hand and slicked the saliva over Rodney's penis, making Rodney squeeze his eyes shut and moan with pleasure. "Easy there, cowboy. We haven't even started yet." Carson got to his feet and slipped out of his briefs.

All Rodney could do at first is stare. He tried to think if he had ever seen another man's penis - biology textbooks, TV, movies, and Internet not counting - but all he could remember is accidentally walking in, and then running out in horror, on his dad in the shower at age ten. The sight of Carson's penis now aroused in him strange desires. He wondered what Carson expected him to do now. He made to get up.

"Where do you think you're going, love?" Carson asked. "I need you to stay down there."

Rodney froze, half-sitting up. "For what?" he asked, perplexed.

"For this," Carson replied. He stood before Rodney, Rodney sitting up between his legs, and held out his hands. Though Rodney still felt uncertain, he took them.

Holding Rodney's hands, Carson got down to his knees. He stared into Rodney's eyes and, smitten, Rodney grinned and looked away. Rodney's heart battered against his ribs and he felt as if in this moment, he _belonged_ to Carson. Carson let go of Rodney's right hand and took a hold of his penis. Grasping it firmly, he went down on it with his buttocks until it had entered his anus and slipped deep inside.

Rodney gasped and let go of Carson's hand, causing Carson to quickly relocate his hands to Rodney's shoulders for balance. Carson moved his hips up slowly.

"Oh, my God." Rodney drew up his knees and wrapped his arms tightly around Carson's back. As Carson moved rhythmically up and down, Rodney dug his nails into his smooth skin.

Carson was, to say the least, _fabulous._ The first few minutes were filled only with sighs, moans, and groans as neither one could find it in him to speak. Unfortunately, however, Rodney possesses an inquisitive mind.

"Okay, does this feel as good for you as it does for me?"

"Mhm," Carson replied, breathing hard. "And it's about to feel even better."

He went down hard on Rodney, deeper than he had gone so far, deep enough to make himself cry out in exhilarating pain. Rodney shuddered in pleasure. "Oh, God, keep doing that."

Carson did as he was told, going faster, harder, sweat trickling down his body and mixing with Rodney's, his muscles clenching around Rodney's penis, Rodney staring at the roof of the cave trying to get a hold of himself, Rodney failing, and then Rodney ejaculating warmly inside Carson, sweet relief flooding his body, his muscles relaxing, Carson slipping free of Rodney, collapsing into Rodney's arms, the two of them holding each other, catching their breaths, exhausted and overwhelmed.

"Any regrets so far?" Carson asked once his breathing had steadied. He was grinning at Rodney wickedly.

"Shut up," Rodney replied with a sheepish smile, and buried his face in Carson's shoulder.

A few peaceful moments passed, then Carson twitched. "Uh, Rodney, I better get off you now."

"What? Why?"

Carson got to his feet and Rodney received the answer to his question. Carson was sporting a large erection, the sight of which brought a faint flush of guilt to Rodney's cheeks.

"Not to worry," Carson said, "I'll take care of myself."

"Hold on. I owe you one."

"You don't _owe_ me anything, Rodney."

"No. I want to."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Let me."

"How can I not?"

"Good. Lie down on your back."

Carson licked his lips, smiling at Rodney's sudden taking of charge, and lay down on his back on the floor. It took all of his self-restraint not to touch himself. Rodney was up on his knees before Carson's feet; he took Carson's legs and spread them wide, bending them at the knee.

"Need any pointers this time?" Carson asked, fighting back a smirk.

"Nope. Put your head back."

Carson did as requested, though he was beginning to have second thoughts as to what he was about to subject his genitals. Nevertheless, he chose to have faith in Rodney, as always.

Rodney slid a warm, dry hand down Carson's stomach, making Carson's abdominal muscles ripple with pleasure. Rodney's hand crept lower and lower, down through Carson's pubic hair, until it reached the base of Carson's penis. Carson's breath caught at the contact and in that moment Rodney realized the total and absolute power he had over him. As is in Rodney's nature, this sense of power only excited him. Enthusiastically, he wrapped his fingers around Carson's shaft, making Carson moan and thrust into Rodney's hand. Smiling to himself, Rodney began moving his fist up and down Carson's penis. The member felt soft and warm, and Rodney found himself surprisingly aroused by the feel of it in his hand. At one point, however, his mind came to a jarring halt and he wondered just what the hell he was doing. A mere hour ago, he would have never even considered the _possibility_ of touching Carson, so what the hell was he doing now? The next moment, he shook the doubt from his head and plunged onto Carson's penis with his mouth.

"My God, love, you're not holding back, are you?" Carson rasped.

Rodney was at a loss. His tongue worked pensively over the head of Carson's penis, taking in the pleasant saltiness of the skin, but he was not sure what to do next. He decided he better improvise. Very aware of the effect his tongue was currently having on Carson, Rodney decided it best to continue using that particular asset. He moved his mouth to the side of Carson's penis and licked up and down the rigid shaft. He considered the testicles, cupped them, then took them too into his mouth. Carson arched his back, making Rodney force Carson's hips back onto the ground. Rodney took as much of Carson's penis as he could into his mouth and, using his hand, began moving it in and out. Over and over, the head poked into Rodney's warm, wet, slippery cheek, Rodney's free hand travelling back down to Carson's testicles and squeezing them gently. Carson was close - Rodney could feel it. He picked up the pace, moving faster, squeezing harder. Carson arched his back again and this time Rodney did not stop him. Instead, he gripped Carson's penis firmly and sucked hard. Carson froze, shuddered, then rewarded Rodney with a mouthful of warm semen.

Rodney spat and sputtered onto the vines. _"Carson!"_

"Sorry," Carson said, sitting up. His self-satisfied smile threatened to split his face in half.

"I'm sure you are."

"Actually, not really."

Rodney shoved Carson's shoulder, then tackled him onto the floor, kissing him furiously. Carson wrapped his arms around Rodney's back and held him until the latter stopped squirming, and a welcome heaviness overcame them both.


	6. UNREGRETTABLE

_Unregrettable_

There were voices outside the cave.

"I know where I'm going," growled a low voice.

"I still don't know why you think they went this way," said a second.

"I told you, the vines are trampled."

"Eh, I still don't see it."

"John!" A third voice now, female. "You better come look at this."

Voices right outside the entrance now.

"My God, what do you think happened to them?"

"Man up, Zelenka," said the second voice. "These are clothes, not dead bodies."

"And what do you suppose is down there?" asked the first voice.

There were people making their way into the cave. Rodney's eyes snapped open.

Silence.

Rodney's ears rang with rushing blood as he and Carson sat up, turned around hesitantly to face the morning light.

Before them stood Ronon, John, Teyla, and Radek Zelenka.

Rodney suddenly wished the floor below him would fall away and he could disappear forever.

Ronon was looking at his feet, unsuccessfully trying to conceal a smirk, John stared laboriously at a spot on the wall, Teyla smiled warmly, and Radek grinned.

"Well, it's _about time,"_ Radek said.

Rodney blinked. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It's just it took you guys over a year."

"Wait," Carson said. "You _knew,_ Radek?"

"We _all_ knew, Carson," Teyla said.

"Yeah, it's not like you did all that much to conceal it," John said, his eyes now trailing across the ceiling.

"Conceal _what?"_ Rodney cried out.

"The mutual attraction," Radek said, still grinning.

"Though it was more evident on Dr. Beckett's part," Teyla said, giving Carson a mock apologetic smile.

"I resent that," Carson said, though he was grinning.

"Oh, please," John said. "The fact you could even _tolerate_ Rodney was a dead giveaway."

"And as always," Rodney said with a grimace, "I'm the only one who suspected _nothing."_

"Does it matter now?" Carson asked, his hand travelling over to squeeze Rodney's.

"No. _No,_ what matters now is why the hell it took _you_ guys so long to find us!"

"Well, it wasn't something on _our_ end," John said. "We assumed your 'gate broke down, but we still kept trying to dial it every two hours from Atlantis following our return. We even tried dialing it from other planets. Then this afternoon, all of a sudden, the 'gate worked, so I assembled our team… and Zelenka… and we went through to look for you guys. And guess what? We _found you,_ so what are you complaining about?"

"The only reason you even got through was because I fixed the 'gate last night, so _hah."_

"Oh, really? So if you fixed it last night, why didn't you _go through_ last night?"

"Because I fixed it with clay… but then it started raining and the clay got wet. It must've dried again in the heat this morning!"

"_Fine._ At least admit it was a joined effort."

"Hardly. What would you have done if I hadn't fixed the 'gate, hmm? Left us stranded here forever?"

"The Daedalus would've come for you in two days."

"Yeah, well -"

"Give it up, Rodney. And maybe put some clothes on?"

"Right."

As the others shielded their eyes, Carson and Rodney found their underwear and were soon decent. Suddenly, Ronon drew his gun.

"Get back. We're not alone."

John and Teyla drew their weapons in a flash and stepped forward to shield the doctors. Everyone squinted into the shadows of the cave in an attempt to make out what it was Ronon was aiming at.

"Lower your weapons!" Carson screeched. He burst forward and waved his arms in front of Ronon, John, and Teyla. "It's okay! It's just Sam!"

"Who's Sam?" Ronon grunted.

"My caterpillar!" Carson exclaimed. He bent to pick Sam up to show it to the rest of the group, but stopped mid-crouch and gasped. _"Rodney!_ Sam's a _girl!"_

"_What?"_ Rodney cried out, shoving past John and Ronon. He crouched beside Carson, his eyes wide. Sam lay curled in a circle and encircled by the fluff of her abdomen lay five spherical pearly-white eggs, each about the size of a golf ball. "It's had _babies?"_ Rodney asked incredulously.

"_She'_s had babies," Carson corrected.

Radek's face appeared suddenly between theirs. "What _is_ that thing? The biologists back on Atlantis would love to study it, I can tell you that. You should bring it back."

Rodney and Carson exchanged uncertain glances.

"Radek _does_ have a point - for once," Rodney said. "The biologists would love us if we brought her back to Atlantis."

"I know," Carson replied, "but she's just become a mom. I think she needs to stay here so she can take care of her eggs."

"You're right," Rodney said, nodding. "I guess we have to say goodbye." He reached out and petted Sam's head and scratched behind her antennas. "Be a good girl now and take care of your babies." Sam took a hold of his elbow and licked the underside of his arm. "Hey, what're you doing, you silly girl?" Rodney took a look at his arm, then recoiled in shock. "Oh, my God! When did I scrape myself?" He shoved his arm into Carson's face. "Is it bad? Don't tell me! I'll go outside and take a look in the light." Rodney got up and scrambled out of the cave. After a moment of consideration, Radek, John, Teyla, and Ronon followed, and Carson was left alone to say goodbye to Sam.

A couple of minutes later Carson joined them, carrying his and Rodney's packs. Rodney thought he saw him wipe his eyes.

"Okay, docs, get dressed and let's go," John said.

Reluctantly, Rodney and Carson pulled on their pants, shoes, and T-shirts, and packed away the rest of their clothes.

"Ready to leave this hellhole?" John asked.

"You have _no_ idea," Rodney replied.

As they walked toward the Stargate, Teyla and Radek walked a little behind with Rodney and Carson.

"I want to let both of you know that we are all very happy for you," Teyla said with a smile.

"More like relieved, really," Radek added with a grin, and he and Teyla walked ahead to join John and Ronon.

Carson nudged Rodney with his elbow, then slipped his hand into one of the outside pockets of his pack. When he withdrew his hand, a pearly egg was in his palm.

"I couldn't resist," Carson said.

* * *

In a month's time, the little egg hatched into a tiny alien caterpillar. It looked exactly like its mother, so Rodney and Carson decided it had to be a female. They called her Heather, after a Lantean heather-like plant which became its favourite food. Heather went with them everywhere, on picnics, vacations - even fishing. The most important thing, however, was that she had inherited something special from her mother, something that was useful to the entire city, for not two hours after Sam had licked Rodney's arm, Rodney's scrape had healed.


End file.
